I dream about him all the time…… but last night I dreamed that just before he died, we tried this radical last attempt at saving him by inserting a rare and poisonous butterfly into the valve of his heart. It bought us a few hours and we were all aloud to talk to him one last time. It was the most emotional dream, I cried and cried, the girls wouldn’t leave his side, his Mum and Dad got there by the skin of their teeth, he was surrounded by mates. We all tried to say the things one would say in the last few hours of ever seeing someone…. someone we all loved more than life, someone who made our lives worth living…. he reassured us that we’d be okay, that it was unfair that he had to leave, that he wished he could stay…… he of course would do this, to let us know that we’d survive the aftermath. I was hysterical at the prospect of what was coming. God what I’d give to talk to him one last time. I’d have a million things to say, but just to hear him reassure me would be the most valuable. He didn’t want to die, and having his last words be “I’m scared” has resonated in my head every day since…… Life is fucking shit sometimes. Why it took away my soulmate when we were so enjoying our lives together I will never know, nor will I ever forgive it.
I miss the shit out of night times with Trent. I LOVED the sound of sleeping children, and I HATED when he got up to go to bed…… Now I’m ecstatic to hear the sound of sleeping children….. but I hate the sound of nothing in my house….. It’s fucking lonely.
My New Years Eve 2013 post to Facebook land-
Alright, am getting in early…… My two girls are the toughest littlest girls on the planet in my mind right now. This year they lost their favourite man on Earth, and yet somehow they keep dragging themselves and their Mum through all the heartache and pain…. The first Fathers Day with no father, first visit to his family home without him, my first birthday celebration Trentless, and now two family Christmases and Christmas morning all with just a blownup photo of him by their side. No child should ever have to experience such a thing, and I certainly never thought I’d have to. Before you say “This coming year will bring wonderful things for you guys…” remember that for us it’s not a celebration. We are facing a move away from the home we lived in for four years with him, leaving behind many memories ….. and then starting a new life in a new home….. one we didn’t want or ask for. We’re looking at a new year of learning to deal, many more “firsts” and many more horrendous scenarios where the girls don’t have their Daddy when others do, and I don’t have my best mate by my side to pull me through. I don’t mean to be all negative, but it’s tough when people say “Oh you must be so looking forward to starting fresh in the new house.” I dread the move every day, and I dread being alone with my girls every night…. and being the only one to make the decisions and choices without Trenton to bounce my ideas off……… So, yes I wish you all a Happy New Year, and yes I hope we have a great year, but instead of looking forward to it, I just hope that we survive ours. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx