Yeah……. still here……

So we moved. We faced the Maroondah Hospital board…. we sacked our Lawyers….. We hired new Lawyers…. Every day blurs into one, and every night is long…. really long. Can you feel the positivity in my writing? It’ because what’s it all for? They may not take the case, the Maroondah made excuses as to why they didn’t check him for clots, We got the house of Trent’s dreams with the money we got from his death, and I get a future without him by my side while the kids grow up Dad less. It doesn’t make sense, and there is no way to swallow this pill. I love this house….. it’s amazing, beautiful, quirky…. with loads of many little different spaces, just what Trenton would have picked. But I know I picked it just for that reason….. cause he would have loved it. And now I have to bury him in the garden, instead of crack a beer on the deck with him, and gaze at the beautiful view….. I truly used to believe that everything happened for a reason, but I highly doubt he died for us to have a nice home and be better off financially? Fairy sure no one would agree to that…. I would rather live in a caravan with him and the kids with no power or running water…. Wish we’d been given the choice……..

My new life………..

FEBRUARY 12, 2014EMMHOP LEAVE A COMMENT EDIT
Soooo……. the New year has begun, chrissy has passed, the move is finished, the house is sold….. and now reality has set in. This is my new life. It will never contain my best mate and it is unbearable. Things are supposed to get easier, but not yet….. cause right now I feel lost, exhausted and shattered at the thought of continuing down this path with no partner by my side. I never wanted to do it alone, in fact I remember deciding after Rob that I would never have another child until I was married because I knew I’d never just marry anyone. So I didn’t, I married the love of my life and got nearly ten years, another daughter, a new family and a new wonderful bunch of friends. But then I lost the one thing that gave me these amazing things in the first place. Such a cliche, but damn life can be so cruel. It’s bitter sweet to look around at this amazing house, my nice new objects, the caravan…….. this was supposed to be our dream. And I’m trying to live it in his honour, but how? It’s not the same without him there to enjoy it with. Poppys going through the toughest time right now, and the other night she said to me ” I fee like I might never get to cuddle him again and it kills me…..” Little does she realise that she really won’t. I hugged her and we cried together. She kills me with her maturity. She grieves and it’s gut wrenching but as soon as I cry too, she reassures me that we’re tough and we’ll get through it together because our love is so strong…… she’d six years old. How did she grow up so quickly? Rubes’ downfall has always been that she presents like an angry little cow when she’s grieving or sad, and so the finger, and swearing and abusing people is how she copes. Few people cope with it, and I barely do myself. But I know her so well…. she is dying inside without him……. My own personal hell on Earth………