Blah Blah…..

Sometimes there’s no topic I want to write about….I know it’ll all end up being about Trenton, cause ultimately it always ended up being about Trenton. And I guess when I write, it’s cause I am needing to vent…. He was literally the light of my life. Stupid saying… but actually true in my case. No matter how dark a day I’d had, he could read me and know what to say, when to take over, when to suggest take away and a snuggle…. he just “got” me. Every year we’d go away for our wedding anniversary. Before we married, being a single Mum, I utilised our family and friends as often as I could to take him away to have him all to myself to get to know him better. We went to beautiful B&B’s in Marysville, Gembrook, Ballarat, Launceston, Tamborine Mountain…. Toms Cap vineyard in Sth Gippsland was our al time favourite. We stayed in hotels in the CBD, Kensington, Adelaide, Olinda, Wellington New Zealand…. we had some amazing experiences that I’ll never forget. We never had any money, and I’m so glad I never let that stop us. Those memories are forever, yet paying the bills would have made no difference… and yet somehow they all got paid in the end. We just loved our life together. Before Pops was born after I’d won some money on the 200th episode of the price is right, (another story entirely that one……) we bought a little 1977 sun-wagon pop top caravan. Dad, as an engagement pressie, paid for us to have all the canvas replaced with brand new dark red and green canvases, complete with loads of windows and fly screens… it really was perfect! Little did we know that a queen and double bed from the seventies was probably equivalent to a king single and a single of today, and after him not even fitting in the queen bed diagonally by himself, we decided it wouldn’t cut it for what was about to become our little family of four. So one weekend in Castlemaine caravan park was all we got to experience! It was memorable though…. I can still remember him peeing into the port a loo whilst kneeling down as it was so low to the ground, and of course quite easy to sit on, but not designed for standing and peeing. Very funny. Then there was our favourite trip to Hamilton Island when Poppy turned five. It was a fabulous trip. Mostly family holidays are disastrous,(especially in our house hold) but this one was just right. We scored a great deal, a fabulous apartment with ocean views…. the resort had two or three amazing pools and because we’d been given the heads up about how expensive the place was to eat out, we’d discovered that we could order food through coles online and have it sitting in our room ready for when we arrived! We took Pops out to a sanctuary where she got to hold a koala, which she still remembers fondly to this day. We only had the one bedroom in the apartment, so we dragged the king sized mattress out to the lounge room and lay there watching movies each night while the girls slept away in the bedroom. We hired a golf buggy and hooned around the Island for a day, driving up to the lookout to watch the sun go down with fish and chips and a beer…. It was just one of those holidays I’ll never forget. I had hoped for so many more like it, but none of them came quite close. I do believe if he’d made it to the cruise, it would have been a much better experience. We would have sent the kids to kids club in the evenings, and gone to the cabarets, live bands and stand up comedy shows…. daytimes he and the girls would have lived at the pool, and I would have enjoyed some down time reading…. something I don’t get to enjoy all that often these days. All our plans were just so damn exciting… to us anyway. We were always planning our next little escape… even if it was just camping and an big old fire to sing and drink around. It’s the nicest feeling having someone by your side all the time, that just loves the same stuff. Other than the footy, we shared most loves in life. All that does to me now is make me feel like the punchline is gone from my joke. Nothings quite so enjoyable anymore… when you can’t turn and smile to that person you’re sharing the experience with, is it as enjoyable? Blah Blah Blah……


Imagine one day you’re up with the alarm, getting ready for work, snapping at the kids, making your lunch, scoffing your breakfast, dashing for the train…… just a normal day in your little world. You come home to screaming kids, and a barking dog…. a wife who’s missed you but cranky and trying to get dinner on the table whilst stopping the kids from punching on. After the baths, the stories, the struggle to get them off to bed, you sit on the couch and look at each other with that “how the hell did we make it through yet another day like that” look… and smile……. cause that’s what it’s all about right? You do this for ten, twenty, thirty years until your kids are doing it, and you’re watching from a Grandparents perspective and smiling to yourself thinking…..”I made it…. barely, but I made it……..”
Then imagine you didn’t. Like all of a sudden you cease to exist. Your phone number is useless. Your mail is pointless. Your work delete you from their systems, your tax file number is null and void….. and all that’s left of you is literally in the heads of the people that you met in your years on Earth…… oh and an urn with your ashes in it. Impossible to imagine right? I wish it were……..

Trenton’s trip…….

So today is the last day of Trenton’s dream holiday. It’s been a very tough, but with moments of lovely holiday. The girls have adored their freedom, although it came with a lot of arguing….. but when I finally let go of the reins, we all had some peace. Cruise life is definitley not my kind of travelling….. but I can see the appeal that Trent had when he chose it. There are three thousand plus people aboard, and constant activities for all running day and night. He wanted the “all you can drink” package, and I have no doubt in my mind that he would have made the most of it. The “eat whenever and whatever you like” would have also appealed to him. The food was amazing at the fancy places that we discovered after two solid days of buffet….. eeeuuuuurgghhhh…… no more buffets for me! The kids spent most of their time in the pool, as would have Trent. Thank God for Lex being so similar to her brother, because she was able to take them to the pool most days as I’m not all that into swimming. Our large group of 12 was a great mix of people, but was a fairly big task to get all out and about at the same time and on time, with no mobile service, or texting available on board. Like the old days hey? Rubes was particularly challenging this trip, and although not entirely a surprise, she even well surpassed my expectations of rude, snappy and bitchy. She has left a lasting bad impression on all that came I am sure. I finally came to the realisation that Trenton is dead. I had nightmares every other night, some so bad I woke crying in the fetal position in the night… every dream was of him about to die, and I had to go through the process every night of telling the kids, and us all spending his last days on Earth having to share all our thoughts and dreams and angers and regrets with him before he went. It was like re living it all every morning when I woke…… like a never ending hell on Earth. What has hit me on this journey is that he’s really gone, I’ll never have the chance to tell him all of those things, and I really am facing raising these girls alone for the rest of my life. It is the most horrendous realisation….. because I really did think that it had hit me already….. but it had not. I want to go home so much, but at the same time I don’t want to go home at all. I find myself talking about his little ideosycracies at the dinner table with the others like he’s still here…… how else can I talk about the things he did that made me laugh without falling apart and crying in a ball? I then get a lump in my throat because I won’t see or hear him do those things ever again. Ever. Fuck…… I actually don’t know how I am going to get through this year, let alone forever. The thought of it makes me feel like going to sleep and never waking up again……