I was reminded on the weekend what incredible friends Trent had collected over his 37 years. I always prided myself on the fact that I had this incredible and vast group of friends myself on account of going to five schools in five years….. and had stayed in contact with some from each. But Trent went to one primary school, and one high school all the way down in Yarram, and yet he had friends wherever he went. Both of our love of music had introduced us to some interesting characters, and when we met we soon realised how small the music world was. Around 2001/2002 I was staying with my then boyfriend in Footscray at this huge and crazy share house when the people that lived there agreed to have a housewarming. It was an incredible old Victorian house, and in the back yard were sheds and old factories that went back almost a whole block. It was run down and cold, the bathroom was horrendous, but we loved it and could pretty much do what we wanted there….. we even smoked inside! (yuk!) Anyway, this housewarming party was epic……. there were things happening in the house, the yard, the sheds…. and we had set up a mate’s band to play in the old factory. There were hundreds of people over that night, and it’s still one of the best nights I can remember having. The band that played were “.hinge” and they were the same band that played the first night that Trent and I would meet in 2004. They were amazing, and I still can’t believe they were not famous. During the course of the evening, I befriended this crazy chick, who I spent the night wandering around with arm in arm. I introduced her to all of my friends, and her to me. It would be around five years later that Trent and I would realise that she was Acacia, his girlfriend at the time, and the bane of his life for years due to her psychotic episodes and jealousy… even sleeping with a knife under her pillow at times! So that night I would have been introduced to some of the beautiful people that I know call my closest friends, that had it not been fr Trent I would not know. This last weekend I took the girls and stayed at Juzzie and Tae’s house in Chelsea. They have the most gorgeous boy called Edgar (EddyGarGar I call him.) I’m so glad Trent met him, because Juzzie flew back to Australia a few times while he lived in Korea with Tae to visit us when we were new parents, and he always spoke of having his own family. Juzzie and Trent met at Uni, when studying Performing arts. They were these whacky, out there crazy characters, that were drawn to each other immediately because of their love of music, and going the extra mile with their creativity. Man did they make some fucked up videos’ in their time! Some of the performances that they did on stage as assignments were just downright strange! They moved into a flat together in Footscray, opposite the beautiful Footscray park, and had a few unforgettable years there which solidified their friendship forever. Stevo, arguably Trent’s bestest mate is the most down to Earth and real character I’ve met. They both worked for Capral Alluminium in the factory, maybe fifteen or more years ago now, and were instant mates…. again because of music. Their friendship was amazing. They just understood each other in every way, but particularly musically…… they made years of amazing music in “in spiral theory….” Trent being a loud and publicly loud person, complimented Stevo who was often quiet and thoughtful. But together they had so many ridiculous adventures, I wouldn’t even know where to begin! Their annual weekend away, just the two of them, involved a lot of illegal activity…. I shall leave it at that! And Damo….. I’m not sure how they met, but I know that he played drums for some of Trent’s earlier bands, possibly as far back as the nineties, and they had rekindled their love of music again with “to the pointless end”… the band that Trent loved the most, that he was playing in when he died. And no, the name is not lost on me. Tae and Tenille adored him (Tenille being Damo’s wife) and they have been just as devastated as all of us that he is gone. The biggest personality at each gathering….. the most loyal of friends you could have. I said it after his memorial….. I never knew someone to have so many best friends, but he truly made every one of his mates feel like they were the only one…. and he treated them all with the utmost respect. Me being one of them. He and I were so similar in that way….. I could never exclude anyone, still can’t….! When I do something everyone is invited! I just can’t help it. This was his annoying trait also…… and being “the organiser” of the group, we both kept the links going with everyone we loved….. and I’m so glad we did, because we wouldn’t have kept these incredibly loyal friends if we hadn’t…. and I sure know that they’re not going anywhere. They’ve already showed me that Trent or no Trent, the girls and I will always be a part of their lives.

A High Tea and a little “shit……..”

Well, today’s visit to the very beautiful Overnewton Caste in Keilor, Melbourne started wonderfully. The girls were in “posh” mode….. particularly after they decided to pretend they were in a fairy tale, and that their rich Daddy owned the place. (They kept going to the loo and talking loudly about their large beautiful four poster beds upstairs in their grand private bedrooms…….) Pops wore boots after I’d strongly suggested it to her, I knew that she would not survive the gardens in her new tiny heels from Vietnam seeing as she can barely walk in them. Ruby wore her dress up sixties dress, skin coloured stockings and nearly her black and pink runners….. thankfully I slipped her new black flats into the bag and she got excited to wear them out. (She can look fabulous sometimes, then won’t brush her hair, or will put too short pants on or something…. and it ruins the whole look!) The good behaviour lasted roughly ten minutes from when we sat down inside the venue for our afternoon tea, then the “oops I seem to have dropped my spoon under the table, could you help me retrieve it please Poppy” games began…… followed by many visits to the toilet…. with Pops unwillingly in tow. Dom (an old old friend) was our waitress (I had no idea she worked there) so thankfully she laughed at their crude comments and loud laughter, and of course Thelma (my 87 year old Auntie) kept laughing politely and saying they were fine. Ruby came back from the third bathroom trip presenting her very annoying fake cry and saying that Poppy had called her fat and ugly…… and of course a very baffled Poppy was swearing black and blue that she hadn’t…… I begged Rubes to stop making up lies and she decided it a great time to loudly tell me how I always believed Poppy and never her…… she finally made me say that I believed her, then as Poppy burst into tears and was inconsolable about it, Ruby finally said “Okay, she didn’t call me that I just wanted to see if you’d believe me.” I was furious, uncomfortable and I told her I wished she didn’t permanently live in a neighbours episode. They pissed off outside for a while (Rubes quickly manipulated Poppy into forgiving her with promises of piggy backs etc as she does) so Thelma and I slowly finished our cuppas, as the food was absolutely lovely, and the environment too…… It really was a lovely day all in all, but Rubes just has to make bullshit where there doesn’t even need to be any. We let them run off in the garden and we walked around ourselves which was just beautiful, but I could hear them off in the distance climbing the biggest trees, squealing loudly, and all in their good clothes…. They came back muddy, ripped stockings, giggling and falling over with their skirts around their heads…….. and then Rubes made a point of farting loudly and then proceeded to tell us that she’s “sharted” meaning she’d shit her pants!!!!! All in a day’s work for her hey? Never a dull moment? I’d say never an easy moment…. when I collected them from Ang and Mozz that morning (My sis and bro in law) they were hyped up and not listening the moment I walked in the door. Rubes was pretending to be stuck in the dog box as I was saying “we need to go or we’ll be late” and then when she retrieved her head from the dog blankets I asked her to give her hair a quick brush…. and so began the shit storm. She refused to brush it, no matter what I said and eventually threatened…. so Ang went to brush it, and she threw her body away like Ang was attacking her (as she does) so I grabbed her by the hair and pulled her down and started brushing her hair like a crazy woman whilst Ang and Mozz looked on in horror….. she screamed out and was crying as I threw the brush in anger, told her to go fuck herself and slammed the bathroom door behind me to go and breathe it out. So we started the day on an awesome note….. I guess she could have been worse at the castle? To be honest, these days I feel like I wish I wasn’t her Mum… so that was my day, how was yours? I mean, is this shit normal???????

Exhaustion……. and children.

So I feel tired…… all the time. I mean ALL of the time. Life before Trenton was tiring enough to be honest, but now it’s just exhausting. I always wanted kids, from a fairly young age. I remember becoming a volunteer for the AIDS and Hepatitis C helpline when I was 22, and after a very long and intensive course, we were asked if there were any certainty’s in our future, and I said that I’d one day be a Mum. As long as my body would allow it, it would happen. I didn’t know it would happen at 25, and I sure didn’t know that I’d one year later become a single parent, and then become estranged from her father. Life has never been all that predictable to me……. in a bad way. I created issues for myself as a teenager, and although I came from a wonderful, non broken home with strong, supportive parents, I still managed to move out at fourteen into a friends house with her Dad, and work nights at a La Porchetta to “support” myself, when all the support I had needed was right where I started out! I went to four high schools in four years, because no one “understood” me…. and although I don’t regret this because I found myself getting it right the fourth time, and maintaining those friendships ever since, I can see that I would just not settle with anything. I now see myself in Rubes. Although she has an actual diagnosis of ADHD/Asperger’s….. she doesn’t finish anything, she is desperate to get out there into the “real” world and explore and get into mischief. I give her a cm, and she takes a kilometre. That’s just how she is, and nothing on this Earth will change it. So how did Trent and I cope with this? By the skin of our teeth I assure you! As I said in my past posts, months of intensive parenting counselling got us on the same page, but nothing got us to the point where we had control over her at all. Scary. The other day whilst watching Poppy at basketball training, another Mum told me about her fourteen year old who was not coming home for days on end, who was taking drugs, drinking and having sex….. and who had not been to school for six weeks this year already! I was nearly vomiting, because what she described was what I lose sleep over every night…… If I can’t control her here, what about when I can’t keep her here? DHS wouldn’t help her, the Police couldn’t help her, and the school had tried everything. Then what? Just wait for a dreaded phone call in the middle of the night? Haven’t I been through enough? When Trenton came along and answered all my payers, I thought I had done my time, and was now going to do it alongside not only a wonderful man, but someone who I could easily have lived alone with on a desert Island for years, without missing out on a whole lot. We never ran out of things to say, we talked five times a day, and he was my best mate till the very end. So when Pops came along and our little family was complete, we were supposed to just start enjoying our life together…. until we retired and bought a motor home and became grey nomads. Simple, yet a vision that got us through the toughest of financial and emotional times. So maybe I’m tired because now I’m going it alone, and to be honest, as much as I love my kids, my favourite time of the day was when he walked through that door. So now what? When I get five minutes to cuddle the kids on the couch without fighting, working, chores etc…. I do think I’m lucky….. but most of the other hours of my day I am just not really all that happy. I get that I am not even a year widowed…. I’m sure this is all just perfectly normal blah blah….. but looking down that barrel and not seeing a light at the end, doesn’t give you much of a push to keep on going. I could stop work, live off nothing, stay home all day and become a hermit….. maybe give the kids more quality time instead of feeling like I’m running constantly…. but the problem is that I’d rather have spent my time with him, (or at least with him and the girls…..) and now he’s gone….IMG_2170 Not sure if I was a serial killer in my past life, but I sure fucked someone off…..