Half of a couple……….

I know, it’s been a little while. I’ve not wanted to only write negative things, so instead I’ve not written. A little sad I must admit. Life is still moving, as it does, even when you wish it didn’t. My latest challenge is to become a fuller person, to fill the giant void I feel next to me in every social situation. It’s funny, as it does seem a long time ago…. but I used to sometimes be the clown of the group. O’kay…… I still am in a lot of ways, but when Trent came along it was like the first time in my life I could just enjoy his constant entertaining of the people around us, and I could just watch on and chill! It was so nice. I never felt competitive of him, although I loved our comedic nights where we’d bounce of each others personalities and have ourselves in tears of laughter…… I miss that show. And just like I feel now that I’m one half of a comedy act, I am now feeling the full brunt of being one half of a couple. And when your partner was the one half of the couple that so many people always wanted to see…… damn it makes it hard to live up to any sort of expectation on their behalf. Last weekend I spent the night with two couples and their kids that Trent and I adored to hang with. Many a new years, weekend away, and just home BBQ catch ups were spent with these six adults and six kids….. and it was our first time hanging together since Trent’s memorial one year ago. They got to see the new house, Trent’s resting place and memorial garden…. and we tested the waters of hanging out without our biggest personality around. I really adored the catch up truly, but that empty void in my gut just keeps sucking down all of my good emotions. You know the other thing is watching the kids with their Daddy’s. Now I’m totally grateful of these wonderful men around the girls, as they really do give the girls a man hit, which they are lacking, and clearly adore. But ouch…… it’s hard watching those kids run and jump on their Dad’s the way the girls always did with Trenton. And with this crew in particular, the men were always so proud of their families and would say so loudly every time we met. So yeah…… having had it so good when he was here only makes it seem so much worse now that he is not. How does one ever get beyond this? To one minute feel so whole and fulfilled…… and then suddenly not….. and possibly not ever again? What a miserable prospect. Of course I’ll do everything in my power to not succumb to such misery…… My kids certainly don’t deserve a dead Dad and a Mum that’s there, but not really. I guess that’s my new lot in life isn’t it? To be half a couple, but both a Mum and a Dad. Shit……