My Last Ever Blog………..

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And so it goes……… my life with Trenton by my side is over. I have finally accepted the unacceptable…… believed the unbelievable….. achieved the unachievable…… and survived the unexplainable. Two years ago today he slipped through our fingers, and no matter how hard we begged, prayed, screamed, howled, abused and promised…….. he could not be spared. So began a rollercoaster of insanely unfair events that ruined all the lives of his closest mates and family members. There is a hollowness and darkness behind the eyes of someone that has really understood the loss of something huge….. something you can never understand until you have lived and breathed it…… fortunately. I wouldn’t wish the last two years on my worst enemy….. I understand that from bad things must come good….. and of course this is true. The strength that comes from such pain is second to none. But I will never say that life only gives you what you can handle, that he’s in a better place now, that there is no more pain…… that it was his time. I shall never say any of these things, because none of them are true. Just like waving a carrot in front of a rabbit….. I had the taste of a real and wonderful family life with this man….. and then it was whipped away in the blink of an eye. Nearly ten years of an incredible friendship together….. and a love that some can only dream of later, he was plucked from the Earth like a flower from a bush. And then nothing. I remember in one of my earlier posts, I wrote about not taking the people in your life for granted. Or mistreating them. Or choosing not to not listen to them…… anything that you may later regret if you ever lost them. If you look beside you at your partner or kids on the couch, or think of your parents that are still here on this Earth, or perhaps siblings you don’t often speak to, or fell out with over stupid shit…… can you go to sleep soundly tonight, happy in the fact that you have done for them all that you could do, said all that you could say, expressed all that could be expressed…….. so that if they died tomorrow you would not regret your actions. Or lack there of? I doubt you could all do this. But I don’t blame or judge you. It takes a certain kind of person to live this way…. and unfortunately it’s usually losing something that is irreplaceable that creates the person who does not take life for granted. But hey, if you can use my life experience to do this, please do. It will only help me move forward. I have had some wonderful responses to my blogging. Some people have thanked me for putting into words what they could not.  For allowing them to see that they are not alone in their journeys…. and that maybe they too could survive such terrible tragedies and perhaps even find happiness again. And some have responded not so wonderfully. (Not to my face of course….) I know that I’m an outtie not an innie, and if I feel it, think it, see it…. then I say it.  It’s how I process my world. It’s honest…… but it’s brutal. And personally I think some people wondered why I needed to spread my personal shit across the web…. as public as it could ever get. But I also know that these are the people that cannot do the same themselves. And maybe they wish they could. I don’t know, and personally I don’t really care. It’s been the best therapy I’ve had, and I’ve accessed enough for all of us combined over the last two years. So I have no regrets in that department, and my kids (although they have fought it), have possibly had the chance to try out a semi normal, almost healthy childhood after all. You never get over losing someone like Trent, and although some might argue that I will love again, no one can replace “the one,”  the father of your kids, the love of your life…….. or your Daddy for that matter. These are all things that we will never forget. I, like most of you, can only imagine what it would be like to lose a parent or a child…. or a sibling whom you adored. So I can only go by what it was like to lose my partner in crime…… I didn’t just lose the man of my past and present, but the man of my future as well. Losing a future you were sure you were lucky enough to get, is one of the toughest things for me yet. So never underestimate such a loss for someone. You simply cannot just go out and get “another.”

In summary….. thank you all. Knowing that you were reading at all hours of the night and day, knowing that you were egging me on to keep it up, and feeling the love that I felt in all of your responses through your emails/messages and texts…… you will never fully understand how much that part of it kept me going on a daily basis. My life…… not the blogging.  I will find happiness again, my kids will be happy again, I have found friendships that I will now cherish for life…. and I’ve lost some that I thought I would cherish for life. But life goes on. If you can never be sure of anything else…. you can always be sure that Life…. Goes….. On. Sometimes whether we like it or not. But one thing is for sure…… my man loved life more than anything else on Earth. It was never about an income, his looks, material objects, proving his worth, behaving like somebody else….. he was open and honest and happy. Fact. If I die knowing I’ve kept up this tradition of his…… I will die a happy woman. We could all take a leaf out of his book. What a story he was. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Pain of Loss…. and the Loss of Pain……..


Next week I will not have held, or been held by my husband for two years.  I don’t think I could say that if he were still alive. I couldn’t have gone 24 hours without talking to him or touching him if he still walked this Earth.  We even spoke five times a day at his Bucks weekend (to his friends disgust!) It has been one hell of  ride. And by ride I don’t mean fun. The pain that I have endured in this 24 month period would be enough to take out a small community of people. At least it feels that way. I have managed to survive on auto pilot most days, I’ve kept a job (probably only by the skin of my teeth) I have smiled and laughed, turned up to things that I really had to push myself to turn up to,  and done some amazing things, but with a hollowness that was hidden beneath the surface of my facade. This has been no secret to you all, I know that you all know that I will continue to try and fill that void….. it is not something that I wish would follow me around….. but none the less, there it is. What I have learned in this 2 year period is priceless however. Life is there to be lived……. Look at your partners, your parents, your children….. your friends, lovers, neighbours and in laws…… these are real living, walking, breathing humans…. that will not be around forever. Share that feeling or emotion you’ve always wanted to share, take them places you can’t afford to go, tell them stories of your life you’ve hidden from them. One thing I will never regret was that I did everything I could with the man of my dreams. I told him every thought I’d ever had, every naughty thing I’d ever done, every dream I’d wished to fulfill, and every dream I had fulfilled. We went away every year for our anniversary at my parent’s request, (who also took the kids each time) we would take the kids to Luna Park on our last $100, we bought vouchers for weekends away we really couldn’t afford, and we once travelled to Hamilton Island with two weeks notice and no money. (We even ordered Coles Online to be delivered to our hotel room so we could afford to eat there!) We never allowed our lack of money or our tight budget to stop us from living. There was always bills to be paid…. and they were always eventually paid.  But the experiences we had will be forever locked in my heart. The year we took a week off each to travel to Thailand and Bali with a mate was wonderful. Sure we’d have loved to go together, but we knew we couldn’t afford it with the whole family, so we did it anyway. There are so many things that I will never regret……. I only wish I’d known that night when he took off in the ambulance that it was to be the last time I’d see him awake, then I’d have grabbed him and kissed him and told him that he’d made me the happiest woman on Earth every day….. just by being himself. I know he knew it, but it’s something that will stay with me forever. I hope my experiences have helped some of you……. even if it just frightens you enough to grab life by the balls…… and live it. As far as I know, it’s the only one you’ll ever get. It’s time this pain propelled me to live again. Miss you baby. xxxxxxxx

Grief…….. it just keeps on changing………

Missing my man.....

God, grieving is an exhausting business. It’s tough, whichever way you’re doing it, but sometimes you feel so guilty just for having a good day. I mean give me a break for fucks sake!!!!! I had a good few in a row last week……. then  I woke with a huge weight in my belly that felt like a brick had been lodged there, and it followed me for the next few days before I realised what it was that was dragging me down. Guilt. Guilt for being happy when Trent is dead. Guilt for feeling guilty when Trent is dead. Guilt for wanting to continue being happy when Trent is dead. Guilt for thinking so much about my own emotions when Trent is dead. Faaaaaaark. Is it not just enough that I yearn for him day and night….? That I’m forgetting what it was like to be kissed by him? That I rock his children in my lap every other day as though they were still babies while they howl for him to come home……. that I push myself to go to work when I really just want to stay home and cry till I can feel nothing……. I want to take a break from the Grief now please….. I want to gaze again upon the blue skies and incredible cloud formations that make me feel happy to be alive. I’d like to lay on a beach watching the incredible waves that could swallow up half of the people swimming in them if it wanted….. I need to sleep in a tent in the middle of a forest somewhere and just feel the nature engulf me…… and sorry, but I really need to feel someone wrap their arms around me just like he did, and reassure me that everything will one day be okay again. I have not felt that for two years now…… it’s heart breaking. I feel so blessed to have my friends and family surround me with their love…… yet I am lonely as hell when it comes to yearning after the support that comes from a partner. This is something that I will need to face sooner or later. And I’m sure with it will come anger and hurt, and perhaps a lack of understanding  from members of his family and friends…. these  people that adored him……  but I know in my heart that he would prefer for me to find happiness again….. and really “feel” again, and would want me to start enjoying this wonderful Earth again as we once did together….. and I will. Because I am lucky as shit that I am still here. We all are……. If nothing else ever comes out of his unnecessary death, I wish for it to be this one thing…..  LIVE. x