Bloggedy Blog Blog…………..

Soooooo………………. I just feel the need for a good blogging today. Nothings up, nothings down…. I just sometimes like to be able to talk about stuff that’s not necessarily “all” depressing…. and that lucky someone is you! Since returning from my hols I’ve not been working all that much. Which is good cause I’m catching up on my yoga, coffees, the kids, my mates and just general house stuff. But it’s bad cause I’m BROKE! So it’s a double edged sword I guess…. I think I’ll just enjoy it while it lasts….. and whinge about it when I’m desperate! I’m slowly getting back into life after my trip. It was wonderful to be reminded that we have so much more going on in our little worlds than what happens in our own back yards. It makes some things seem insignificant….. but only some. I want so badly for this year to not spend every day leading up to the anniversary of Trenton’s death (23rd July) losing my shit…. (I know it’ll be out of my hands…..) so I’ve found myself trying to get Rubes all riled up for her 12th birthday which is four days beforehand. I suggested that a few people put in for her to have a party even though it’s not a party year,  just so she could have something ace to look forward to….. She’s been having a terrible time at school lately, and has been wanting to leave (in the middle of Grade six…..) and although I know she is a big part of the problems that occur in her friendship groups (her inability to get it right socially being the main issue) I just thought that this would give her the chance to have something cool to offer people. Well…… I had no idea how badly it would backfire. She chose Laser Tag, lunch and then an hour for everyone invited to play all the coin operated games. Firstly her frenemy, (on and off again friend/enemy) who is currently her enemy, had to be told by “ME” to her face that she and Rubes could no longer be mates on account of them always getting into trouble when they are. (They litrally bring out the worst in each other…..) Oh and I reminded her that they seem to be best mates one day,  then the next day this kid will rock up and dump her on her head publicly, then immediately spread some rumour about her that usually isn’t true to the rest of the grade sixes….. and that’s not what friends do! (Yes, a bit of a cow indeed). Well Ruby hand wrote 20 invites to her party, obviously not giving one to this particular child, and within three days the little cow had convinced 16 of the 20 kids to say they couldn’t go. Not only that, a few of them were screwed up and strewn around on the ground….. I seriously could have done something to her that most likely wouldn’t have been legal! She was utterly devastated as you can imagine….. and within a day or two she was refusing to go back to school at all. I tried to get help from the Vice Principal who pretty much said they stay out of birthday party issues…… WTF????!!!! I explained that staying out of parties is totally acceptable, but staying out of bullying behaviour that happens on the school grounds is not…….. still waiting for a response to that one.  So the poor kid just wants to go to a school where no one knows her diagnosis because she is truly judged by it…… and will never shake that label. It’s buggered up all my plans for her for next year, so I’m back doing school tours again. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, on a positive note, she has been treating me with a teensy weensy tiny bit more respect, and I’m praying that it’ll last a while.  At least longer than a couple of days anyway……


Update: 9.32pm

Soooooo…… a kind of easy day turned into a terribly distressing night. Poppy started getting a “racing heart” at the thought of sleeping alone in her bed tonight…..(she’s been in mine, or ended up in mine for over a week….)  so I thought I prepared her really well with snuggles on the couch, the Shaun the Sheep Movie, her favourite dinner and lots of talking about how we can leave on the bathroom light and she can come in if she’s “really” desperate in the night…… well I think this shot her anxiety through the roof so Rubes jumped in and suggested sleeping on her floor. I was really impressed, but it took an hour of me sitting in there with them both for Pops to let me go once there was music playing, a thousand teddies surrounding her, and I’d let her have a slightly huge meltdown in my arms about how Daddy would let her stay in his bed, and if he was still around she would be nicer to her friends, and I’d be nicer to her and Rubes would be nicer to everyone….. and what did we do wrong that he had to leave us so soon. Faaaaaaark. Then after she started dozing Rubes started jolting around and thinking there were spiders in her bed, and sand in her eyes and would it make its way to her brain because she was pretty sure all day that she was not long for this Earth……. I tell you, this morning I felt like things were going alright….. and tonight I wonder how we will survive this thing? It’s not as if we can just be devastated and then grieve for five years and move on… damnit I wish we could. But we have to fork out money left right and centre that we don’t have, for psychologists we can’t afford, for therapy that doesn’t seem to be helping…… We’ve done grief camp, we go to a support group, we’re on the list for animal therapy, we’ve done art therapy, I have a case worker, many organisations on standby…… WHAT THE FUCK ELSE CAN I DO???????? Okay……… I needed to get that out. I know we’ll get there….. somehow, someday…. it’s just exhausting to think what will need to be done in the interim. It would be awesome to have one full awesome day with positive thoughts and a good start and end. That’s my aim for the next fortnight….. to achieve that small goal. Baby steps. xxxxx

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