Grief…….. it just keeps on changing………

Missing my man.....

God, grieving is an exhausting business. It’s tough, whichever way you’re doing it, but sometimes you feel so guilty just for having a good day. I mean give me a break for fucks sake!!!!! I had a good few in a row last week……. then  I woke with a huge weight in my belly that felt like a brick had been lodged there, and it followed me for the next few days before I realised what it was that was dragging me down. Guilt. Guilt for being happy when Trent is dead. Guilt for feeling guilty when Trent is dead. Guilt for wanting to continue being happy when Trent is dead. Guilt for thinking so much about my own emotions when Trent is dead. Faaaaaaark. Is it not just enough that I yearn for him day and night….? That I’m forgetting what it was like to be kissed by him? That I rock his children in my lap every other day as though they were still babies while they howl for him to come home……. that I push myself to go to work when I really just want to stay home and cry till I can feel nothing……. I want to take a break from the Grief now please….. I want to gaze again upon the blue skies and incredible cloud formations that make me feel happy to be alive. I’d like to lay on a beach watching the incredible waves that could swallow up half of the people swimming in them if it wanted….. I need to sleep in a tent in the middle of a forest somewhere and just feel the nature engulf me…… and sorry, but I really need to feel someone wrap their arms around me just like he did, and reassure me that everything will one day be okay again. I have not felt that for two years now…… it’s heart breaking. I feel so blessed to have my friends and family surround me with their love…… yet I am lonely as hell when it comes to yearning after the support that comes from a partner. This is something that I will need to face sooner or later. And I’m sure with it will come anger and hurt, and perhaps a lack of understanding  from members of his family and friends…. these  people that adored him……  but I know in my heart that he would prefer for me to find happiness again….. and really “feel” again, and would want me to start enjoying this wonderful Earth again as we once did together….. and I will. Because I am lucky as shit that I am still here. We all are……. If nothing else ever comes out of his unnecessary death, I wish for it to be this one thing…..  LIVE. x

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