I should NOT have been a Nurse…….

O’kay, so there were five brief (very brief) minutes in my life were my Mum had convinced me that my constant need to help people should be converted into a Nursing Traineeship. Mind you this was after she’d convinced me that my love for the outdoors should be converted into a Diploma of Horticulture, and also my love of colour and retro design should be converted into a painting and decorating apprenticeship. All things believe it or not that I started, and of course inevitably failed in. The horticulture one is a no brainer, anyone that knows me knows that I kill everything that needs watering apart from my children, and it turns out that I did not want to “wear” overalls to work, but rather look at “men” in overalls at work….. hence the painting and decorating failure. But nursing…. how on Earth my Mum convinced me that I would be awesome at it I’ll never know. I am one of those people that faints or vomits at the sight of blood, and would not be fantastic in an emergency situation with shit and blood and guts everywhere…. I didn’t even cope when Poppy had to get a small pucker hole glued up in hospital on the bridge of her nose at aged three that she’d received by stacking a three wheeler at kinder and head butting the bolt sticking out of the bikes bell! I called Trent whilst on the way to the Angliss Hospital and told him I’d drive slowly so that he could beat me there all the way from the other side of town so that I didn’t even have to look at it! (The kinder teacher had kindly popped a band-aid over the hole probably for Poppy’s sake… but I was totally grateful myself!) I sat behind my giant warm and “attentive to Poppy’s every need” husband and talked to her through his back for the two hours we spent in emergency waiting for a Dr to decide if it was glue or stitches, and then proceeded to nearly faint causing the Dr’s to remove Poppy from the trolley bed and put me on it to fan me till my colour came back! Once she’d been glued and I burst into tears at the sheer uselessness of my parenting that day, she also burst into tears too and wanted me to come around from my hidey hole to give her a cuddle! I did of course….. but with my eyes slightly squinted so I couldn’t see the damage that she’d done to herself. So after my six week pre-Nursing traineeship course, and a week and a half of hands on work in a nursing home (that had me crying my way home daily at the horrific way these elderly people had been treated and spoken over) I decided that I was proud of myself yet again for trying something new, but that once again this was not the career for me. Likewise when the kids or Trenton got sick I found myself being short tempered and irritated by the extra work load that I was given instead of being the kind and sympathetic person I should have been to them all! Hence the mega blue I had today with my eldest…… I literally can’t stand it when she’s unwell as she moans and groans, and puts on these amazing Neighbours style performances that I swear would have her in the running for a nomination for an Emmy award. She even said to me today that although Poppy and I had copped this tummy bug too, that hers was worse because she had a lower pain threshold than us!!!!!! What the?? I tried to explain to her that even though she was more verbal with it, that it didn’t necessarily mean that she was in more pain, but rather it meant that she was being more of a pain in the arse. That clearly didn’t go down too well so the day went downhill fast from there. Poppy who had been sick since Sat had been as grumpy as anyone on the planet, so between the “sickest person on Earth” Ruby, and the “moodiest person on Earth” Poppy….. well there was nothing left but for me to be a short tempered cow. And short tempered I was. So it was a long drawn out, abusive, draining and pointless day where no one got anywhere with their point. And of course in true “foot in mouth” Emma fashion, I responded to one of Ruby’s abusive insights into my atrocious parenting when she yelled at me ” you didn’t even give me a nice phone like the other mothers do with internet on it……” I screamed back in response (oh so maturely), “Yeah well don’t you think that if I could just stop being a parent for one minute that I’d be drinking and backpacking my way around Europe right now avoiding my problems and pretending my best mate and lover hadn’t just died…..” This did not help get the convo back on track and after she’d snuck off and called my sister in law and Mum to tell them that I’d wished my kids were never born….. well lets just say the day could only go uphill from there. As it has. Once the kids were down and I’d had a good offload with the Mother (yes, and a few cans) suddenly I feel I can tackle the next load of shit the world has to throw at me….. It seems at the moment there are peaks and lows, peaks and lows…… and not much in between. I’m starting to realise that not only are the girls grieving more now than they were in the past 19 months…. but it’s starting to seep out of me unwillingly every day, more and more….. until I fear that I will be nothing but a pool of sadness and sorrow on the ground, and of no use to anyone. What is getting me through each day, each hour, each minute…. is my pending trip to Europe with one of my oldest mates in May. Suddenly the guilt of leaving the kids for three and a half weeks is being outweighed by my utter need to be completely “unattached” from my children briefly who are slowly suffocating me. How horrendously selfish that sounds, yet it is the simple truth. My every spare second is looking at places to stay, eat at, drink at, visit and discover on this trip of a lifetime. (Thanks to my parents offering to move in and live my life for me whilst I’m gone…….) I do wonder how I’ll get back on that plane on June the 5th and knowingly come back to it all. (No….. no hidden message here, just the anticipation of going back to my reality once it’s over is terrifying……) I will try and breathe in every second of this amazing experience, and instead of dread the return trip, I want to hang out for it to share my stories and presents and photos with my beautiful girls….. and the rest of the wonderful friends and family that are still actually holding me together like some crazy kind of glue. Thank God for them. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Leave a Reply