My Last Ever Blog………..

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And so it goes……… my life with Trenton by my side is over. I have finally accepted the unacceptable…… believed the unbelievable….. achieved the unachievable…… and survived the unexplainable. Two years ago today he slipped through our fingers, and no matter how hard we begged, prayed, screamed, howled, abused and promised…….. he could not be spared. So began a rollercoaster of insanely unfair events that ruined all the lives of his closest mates and family members. There is a hollowness and darkness behind the eyes of someone that has really understood the loss of something huge….. something you can never understand until you have lived and breathed it…… fortunately. I wouldn’t wish the last two years on my worst enemy….. I understand that from bad things must come good….. and of course this is true. The strength that comes from such pain is second to none. But I will never say that life only gives you what you can handle, that he’s in a better place now, that there is no more pain…… that it was his time. I shall never say any of these things, because none of them are true. Just like waving a carrot in front of a rabbit….. I had the taste of a real and wonderful family life with this man….. and then it was whipped away in the blink of an eye. Nearly ten years of an incredible friendship together….. and a love that some can only dream of later, he was plucked from the Earth like a flower from a bush. And then nothing. I remember in one of my earlier posts, I wrote about not taking the people in your life for granted. Or mistreating them. Or choosing not to not listen to them…… anything that you may later regret if you ever lost them. If you look beside you at your partner or kids on the couch, or think of your parents that are still here on this Earth, or perhaps siblings you don’t often speak to, or fell out with over stupid shit…… can you go to sleep soundly tonight, happy in the fact that you have done for them all that you could do, said all that you could say, expressed all that could be expressed…….. so that if they died tomorrow you would not regret your actions. Or lack there of? I doubt you could all do this. But I don’t blame or judge you. It takes a certain kind of person to live this way…. and unfortunately it’s usually losing something that is irreplaceable that creates the person who does not take life for granted. But hey, if you can use my life experience to do this, please do. It will only help me move forward. I have had some wonderful responses to my blogging. Some people have thanked me for putting into words what they could not.  For allowing them to see that they are not alone in their journeys…. and that maybe they too could survive such terrible tragedies and perhaps even find happiness again. And some have responded not so wonderfully. (Not to my face of course….) I know that I’m an outtie not an innie, and if I feel it, think it, see it…. then I say it.  It’s how I process my world. It’s honest…… but it’s brutal. And personally I think some people wondered why I needed to spread my personal shit across the web…. as public as it could ever get. But I also know that these are the people that cannot do the same themselves. And maybe they wish they could. I don’t know, and personally I don’t really care. It’s been the best therapy I’ve had, and I’ve accessed enough for all of us combined over the last two years. So I have no regrets in that department, and my kids (although they have fought it), have possibly had the chance to try out a semi normal, almost healthy childhood after all. You never get over losing someone like Trent, and although some might argue that I will love again, no one can replace “the one,”  the father of your kids, the love of your life…….. or your Daddy for that matter. These are all things that we will never forget. I, like most of you, can only imagine what it would be like to lose a parent or a child…. or a sibling whom you adored. So I can only go by what it was like to lose my partner in crime…… I didn’t just lose the man of my past and present, but the man of my future as well. Losing a future you were sure you were lucky enough to get, is one of the toughest things for me yet. So never underestimate such a loss for someone. You simply cannot just go out and get “another.”

In summary….. thank you all. Knowing that you were reading at all hours of the night and day, knowing that you were egging me on to keep it up, and feeling the love that I felt in all of your responses through your emails/messages and texts…… you will never fully understand how much that part of it kept me going on a daily basis. My life…… not the blogging.  I will find happiness again, my kids will be happy again, I have found friendships that I will now cherish for life…. and I’ve lost some that I thought I would cherish for life. But life goes on. If you can never be sure of anything else…. you can always be sure that Life…. Goes….. On. Sometimes whether we like it or not. But one thing is for sure…… my man loved life more than anything else on Earth. It was never about an income, his looks, material objects, proving his worth, behaving like somebody else….. he was open and honest and happy. Fact. If I die knowing I’ve kept up this tradition of his…… I will die a happy woman. We could all take a leaf out of his book. What a story he was. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

11 thoughts on “My Last Ever Blog………..”

  1. Beautiful! I can totally relate to this story, as very similar situation happened to me & my kids also. Xx I wish you the best.!

  2. Such beautiful words Emma, you have written from the heart and I couldn’t imagine loosing the one that fills all the boxes for friendship, fun and love. Much love and healing to you and your beautiful girls xo

  3. Bless you Em !!
    You too are one of a kind !! I really admire your courage and bravery !!
    I pray that you live life , and live it to all the fullness you can get out of it. That love would be present in and amongst you , ruby and poppy, and that your strength and wisdom that you have gained through all of this , would be inherited into your 2 girls, and that it would shape their futures in a awesome and dynamic way.
    Love ya Em !!

  4. You’re such an amazing woman Emma, and if you ever decide to return to blogging, please do, particularly if it’s able to help you or your daughters in your grief. Trent will never be forgotten, and you will always have my support xxx

  5. Hi Emma, I have read your blogs with admiration and felt, prayed and wished, that things would relieve your pain and give you hope. But it is so evident that you are so strong, determined and brave and I will miss hearing such honest true words from a friend who says it how it is. FACT is: Your a legend Em and you inspire people. Trent would be so proud. Hope to catch up soon. Mark xx

  6. Well said, Em. I know how revoltingly hard it is to keep putting one foot in front of the after bloody day..I applaud your honesty, value your truth and wish you and your girls a kind and gentle future xxx Jace.

  7. I love Emma Hopkins, I always have, since the day we met at Moonee a ponds pool… I completely understand your loss and I will always, also remember the place I was when I heard about what happened… (I was on a mine site in the middle of the desert!!) Thank you so much for being able to share u our thoughts, feelings and life with us… I enjoy hearing the way you write… As I can always hear the sound of your voice reading out loud in my head… You are a very talented entertainer… Never forget that! As you know… Never hesitate to call me any time of day for a chat… I know we are often far apart… But you are always in my heart… Xxx

  8. Its a shame we no longer to get to read your blogs Emma but I totally get it as well. You are freakin amazing…..keep being amazing in your own “outtie” way….I think you will find that people who are still with you on this journey know and love you this way and I am sure each and every one of them wish you nothing but the best. I do. xx

  9. Thank you so much Jude. It made life a tad easier while I wrote it. I appreciate your beautiful comments. xxxxxx

  10. Emma you have amazed me with your heartfull, painful inner thoughts and feelings of your tragic loss of your beloved Trent – and it has been an honor to be able to have read your blogs over the last 2 years. Keep smiling babe – your a very much treasured mum, daughter and friend to so many – much love – Judy Mogford xxxx

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