Night time is a shit time for me….. Trent and I used to hang out for that moment when the kids were down, really down, and we could veg out, catch up on some telly, snuggle or just bitch about the day that was. Like other couples/families, we always worried about how we’d pay for his and that… we dreamed up crazy money making schemes. It was tough, funny, silly…. but nicer to do with someone else. Now I get the kids down, and sit at the end of our large couch and look around and wonder how I’m still going. The girls do make it easier to push through, just like people pointed out to me annoyingly when I wasn’t ready to hear it yet. There’s nothing worse than being told “lucky you’ve got the kids..” when you’ve just lost your best mate and are facing it alone. But I look at them now, and think “I am it now, and I’m not going to let you fuck up you lives.” They both remind me daily of him… Pops has so much love and emotion, she must tell me every day “you’re the best Mum I could ever have had…..””I love you sooooo much Mummy, and I love Daddy and Ruby and Sooty and Cleo (the fish.)” She looks like Trent and his side of the family, to the point where she could be mistaken for someone elses kid! She is so deep too, at the age of six she says things like “you’re going to be o’kay Mum, because you’ve got us, and Daddy is always in our hearts…..” or “I don’t wanna leave this house Mum, this is where all of Daddy’s memories are…..” heart wrenching yes, but oh so Trenton. Rubes has matured so much in this last few months that it’s scary. She looks and behaves like a pre teen….. I’m already not cool anymore and she’s only ten! I love that the things she inherited off him are his hilarious witty sense of humour, his utterly disgusting cheekiness and of course his love of dirty jokes and farting at inappropriate times….. I hope these things are ingrained deeply in them…….