Hey Trenton,
Its been 2,629,440 minutes since I last saw your face. Or 43,824 hours….. 1826 days, 261 weeks, 60 months or 5 years…….. Whichever way you look at it, it’s been a long time. So much has changed in our world since you left it. Ruby has celebrated 5 birthdays since that day, has attended 4 schools and is now in year 9 and pretty settled, finally. She just turned 15 last Thursday. Poppy is 11, is in Grade 5 and has just been accepted into the High School you and I hoped that they would both attend for year 7 in 2020. I am 40 years old now, three years older than you were when you died. FUCK. I still can’t comprehend surviving you. Who could have predicted such a shitty ending to such a wonderful person’s life? I am not sure it will ever be “okay.” I still feel so much anger when I remember…. as do the girls and your family. When it’s your birthday, I can now celebrate it with a little bit of happiness. If you hadn’t been born, we’d never have met, Poppy wouldn’t be alive and your family wouldn’t have had the pleasure of 37 years of you. Your birthday I can endure. But when it’s a deathiversary, I cannot feel anything but anger and pain. I constantly re-live the morning of June the 30th in 2013 when you broke your ankle having a drunken night in with all of your best mates. It was kind of funny…. you always made the worst things seem humorous. I remember the text I woke to when you told me that you’d called an ambulance to get you and they couldn’t use an Ambo chair to get you down 44 rickety stairs, so you had to hop with the help of two tiny women and an audience on the street. You made me laugh when I was so worried, cause that’s just what you did. You were an exceptional human being Trent. Who could have foreseen the negligence of the hospital? I have wondered a trillion times if I might have known more, could I have prevented you from dying from such an oversight after your surgery? I am now overzealous when it comes to anyone’s health…. hospital visits or illnesses, colds or viruses that go on too long – back to the doctors I want everyone to go, for a second or third opinion before I am satisfied that it’s going to be okay. It drives people mad, but they don’t understand what it feels like to have missed something so little, so obvious (in retrospect) that could have changed the entire direction of our lives forever. Today, I’m trying to remember all of the wonderful things that we got to do, instead of just the years that we have missed with you. At Paula’s 40th the other night, we remembered her 30th where I dressed up as Little Red Riding Hood and you went as the Big Bad Wolf…. not huge into dress ups, you bought a black XXXL ladies dress from the Op Shop (you loved that it looked like a giant Moo Moo) and got a wolf mask to compliment it. Finishing off this look with Ugg Boots, you were quite the sight for sore eyes. What was hilarious about it however, was how much you enjoyed wearing a dress, and to the point where you threw your wolf mask and boxer shorts into my Little Red Riding Hood basket for the night, and just rocked the rest (undie-less) for the entire evening! You said you felt “free!” (See attached piccy.)
There was that time that you wore your favourite t-shirt to my family Christmas, not really thinking that everyone else wouldn’t quite take the message written across the front of it as well as we both did (Unless you’d seen Chris Farrell in Anchorman, “I’m going to punch you in the Ovary” probably wasn’t really an appropriate slogan to rock at a family doo! Also see pic attached.)
Your work mates used to tell me that you took a nap each day during your lunch break – man could you sleep anywhere, anytime…. even if you’d had a good eight hours the night before. I’ve attached a piccy of you sleeping under the Aussie flag that one of them kindly sent me as proof. You were seriously adored by all.
I don’t have a photo, but I’ll never forget when we went to New Zealand for our five year wedding anniversary, and after arriving in Christchurch at one am you decided to go for a walk to buy ciggie’s from a servo after you settled me into our gorgeous apartment. Little did you know, (and with no mobile, or address written down) there were similar looking apartments on every block for the six blocks back from the shop, and after knocking on the same second floor apartment door of each apartment block for the entire six blocks (and nearly getting your head kicked in by some grumpy guests at the other 5 accommodations because you woke them all up banging on the door calling our “EMMA……. OPEN UP” over and over and over again……) well, we did have a bit of a laugh. There was rarely a dull moment in our short time together. It didn’t feel like 9 and a half years, it felt like 90. And yet, it wasn’t nearly enough. I don’t know one person that knows you that hasn’t shared the most outrageous of stories with me about you, your legacy was most definitely your kindness and humour. If I could only be remembered with half as much love as the world had for you, I will die a happy woman. Right now I am grateful for the girls that you left me. I feel so sad for my Widow and Widower friends that wanted kids, and didn’t get to have them with their lost loves. Until my last breath I will always look at them and think of you,. How lucky I am to have that. I know your sister and your Mum and Dad would agree with me there. Nothing could ever replace you, but it’s nice to have two little reminders of your greatness in the house with me every day. They miss you every minute of every day Trenton…. I hope that wherever you are, if you are floating around the universe somewhere, that you can see them and are proud of how far they have come in the face of the worst adversity a child should ever have to face. Perhaps you are simply alive in all of those you adored… in our memories, our dreams and our thoughts. Either way Trent, we miss the absolute shit out of you, and always will. Time will not change that.