My Last Ever Blog………..

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And so it goes……… my life with Trenton by my side is over. I have finally accepted the unacceptable…… believed the unbelievable….. achieved the unachievable…… and survived the unexplainable. Two years ago today he slipped through our fingers, and no matter how hard we begged, prayed, screamed, howled, abused and promised…….. he could not be spared. So began a rollercoaster of insanely unfair events that ruined all the lives of his closest mates and family members. There is a hollowness and darkness behind the eyes of someone that has really understood the loss of something huge….. something you can never understand until you have lived and breathed it…… fortunately. I wouldn’t wish the last two years on my worst enemy….. I understand that from bad things must come good….. and of course this is true. The strength that comes from such pain is second to none. But I will never say that life only gives you what you can handle, that he’s in a better place now, that there is no more pain…… that it was his time. I shall never say any of these things, because none of them are true. Just like waving a carrot in front of a rabbit….. I had the taste of a real and wonderful family life with this man….. and then it was whipped away in the blink of an eye. Nearly ten years of an incredible friendship together….. and a love that some can only dream of later, he was plucked from the Earth like a flower from a bush. And then nothing. I remember in one of my earlier posts, I wrote about not taking the people in your life for granted. Or mistreating them. Or choosing not to not listen to them…… anything that you may later regret if you ever lost them. If you look beside you at your partner or kids on the couch, or think of your parents that are still here on this Earth, or perhaps siblings you don’t often speak to, or fell out with over stupid shit…… can you go to sleep soundly tonight, happy in the fact that you have done for them all that you could do, said all that you could say, expressed all that could be expressed…….. so that if they died tomorrow you would not regret your actions. Or lack there of? I doubt you could all do this. But I don’t blame or judge you. It takes a certain kind of person to live this way…. and unfortunately it’s usually losing something that is irreplaceable that creates the person who does not take life for granted. But hey, if you can use my life experience to do this, please do. It will only help me move forward. I have had some wonderful responses to my blogging. Some people have thanked me for putting into words what they could not.  For allowing them to see that they are not alone in their journeys…. and that maybe they too could survive such terrible tragedies and perhaps even find happiness again. And some have responded not so wonderfully. (Not to my face of course….) I know that I’m an outtie not an innie, and if I feel it, think it, see it…. then I say it.  It’s how I process my world. It’s honest…… but it’s brutal. And personally I think some people wondered why I needed to spread my personal shit across the web…. as public as it could ever get. But I also know that these are the people that cannot do the same themselves. And maybe they wish they could. I don’t know, and personally I don’t really care. It’s been the best therapy I’ve had, and I’ve accessed enough for all of us combined over the last two years. So I have no regrets in that department, and my kids (although they have fought it), have possibly had the chance to try out a semi normal, almost healthy childhood after all. You never get over losing someone like Trent, and although some might argue that I will love again, no one can replace “the one,”  the father of your kids, the love of your life…….. or your Daddy for that matter. These are all things that we will never forget. I, like most of you, can only imagine what it would be like to lose a parent or a child…. or a sibling whom you adored. So I can only go by what it was like to lose my partner in crime…… I didn’t just lose the man of my past and present, but the man of my future as well. Losing a future you were sure you were lucky enough to get, is one of the toughest things for me yet. So never underestimate such a loss for someone. You simply cannot just go out and get “another.”

In summary….. thank you all. Knowing that you were reading at all hours of the night and day, knowing that you were egging me on to keep it up, and feeling the love that I felt in all of your responses through your emails/messages and texts…… you will never fully understand how much that part of it kept me going on a daily basis. My life…… not the blogging.  I will find happiness again, my kids will be happy again, I have found friendships that I will now cherish for life…. and I’ve lost some that I thought I would cherish for life. But life goes on. If you can never be sure of anything else…. you can always be sure that Life…. Goes….. On. Sometimes whether we like it or not. But one thing is for sure…… my man loved life more than anything else on Earth. It was never about an income, his looks, material objects, proving his worth, behaving like somebody else….. he was open and honest and happy. Fact. If I die knowing I’ve kept up this tradition of his…… I will die a happy woman. We could all take a leaf out of his book. What a story he was. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The Pain of Loss…. and the Loss of Pain……..


Next week I will not have held, or been held by my husband for two years.  I don’t think I could say that if he were still alive. I couldn’t have gone 24 hours without talking to him or touching him if he still walked this Earth.  We even spoke five times a day at his Bucks weekend (to his friends disgust!) It has been one hell of  ride. And by ride I don’t mean fun. The pain that I have endured in this 24 month period would be enough to take out a small community of people. At least it feels that way. I have managed to survive on auto pilot most days, I’ve kept a job (probably only by the skin of my teeth) I have smiled and laughed, turned up to things that I really had to push myself to turn up to,  and done some amazing things, but with a hollowness that was hidden beneath the surface of my facade. This has been no secret to you all, I know that you all know that I will continue to try and fill that void….. it is not something that I wish would follow me around….. but none the less, there it is. What I have learned in this 2 year period is priceless however. Life is there to be lived……. Look at your partners, your parents, your children….. your friends, lovers, neighbours and in laws…… these are real living, walking, breathing humans…. that will not be around forever. Share that feeling or emotion you’ve always wanted to share, take them places you can’t afford to go, tell them stories of your life you’ve hidden from them. One thing I will never regret was that I did everything I could with the man of my dreams. I told him every thought I’d ever had, every naughty thing I’d ever done, every dream I’d wished to fulfill, and every dream I had fulfilled. We went away every year for our anniversary at my parent’s request, (who also took the kids each time) we would take the kids to Luna Park on our last $100, we bought vouchers for weekends away we really couldn’t afford, and we once travelled to Hamilton Island with two weeks notice and no money. (We even ordered Coles Online to be delivered to our hotel room so we could afford to eat there!) We never allowed our lack of money or our tight budget to stop us from living. There was always bills to be paid…. and they were always eventually paid.  But the experiences we had will be forever locked in my heart. The year we took a week off each to travel to Thailand and Bali with a mate was wonderful. Sure we’d have loved to go together, but we knew we couldn’t afford it with the whole family, so we did it anyway. There are so many things that I will never regret……. I only wish I’d known that night when he took off in the ambulance that it was to be the last time I’d see him awake, then I’d have grabbed him and kissed him and told him that he’d made me the happiest woman on Earth every day….. just by being himself. I know he knew it, but it’s something that will stay with me forever. I hope my experiences have helped some of you……. even if it just frightens you enough to grab life by the balls…… and live it. As far as I know, it’s the only one you’ll ever get. It’s time this pain propelled me to live again. Miss you baby. xxxxxxxx

Grief…….. it just keeps on changing………

Missing my man.....

God, grieving is an exhausting business. It’s tough, whichever way you’re doing it, but sometimes you feel so guilty just for having a good day. I mean give me a break for fucks sake!!!!! I had a good few in a row last week……. then  I woke with a huge weight in my belly that felt like a brick had been lodged there, and it followed me for the next few days before I realised what it was that was dragging me down. Guilt. Guilt for being happy when Trent is dead. Guilt for feeling guilty when Trent is dead. Guilt for wanting to continue being happy when Trent is dead. Guilt for thinking so much about my own emotions when Trent is dead. Faaaaaaark. Is it not just enough that I yearn for him day and night….? That I’m forgetting what it was like to be kissed by him? That I rock his children in my lap every other day as though they were still babies while they howl for him to come home……. that I push myself to go to work when I really just want to stay home and cry till I can feel nothing……. I want to take a break from the Grief now please….. I want to gaze again upon the blue skies and incredible cloud formations that make me feel happy to be alive. I’d like to lay on a beach watching the incredible waves that could swallow up half of the people swimming in them if it wanted….. I need to sleep in a tent in the middle of a forest somewhere and just feel the nature engulf me…… and sorry, but I really need to feel someone wrap their arms around me just like he did, and reassure me that everything will one day be okay again. I have not felt that for two years now…… it’s heart breaking. I feel so blessed to have my friends and family surround me with their love…… yet I am lonely as hell when it comes to yearning after the support that comes from a partner. This is something that I will need to face sooner or later. And I’m sure with it will come anger and hurt, and perhaps a lack of understanding  from members of his family and friends…. these  people that adored him……  but I know in my heart that he would prefer for me to find happiness again….. and really “feel” again, and would want me to start enjoying this wonderful Earth again as we once did together….. and I will. Because I am lucky as shit that I am still here. We all are……. If nothing else ever comes out of his unnecessary death, I wish for it to be this one thing…..  LIVE. x

Bloggedy Blog Blog…………..

Soooooo………………. I just feel the need for a good blogging today. Nothings up, nothings down…. I just sometimes like to be able to talk about stuff that’s not necessarily “all” depressing…. and that lucky someone is you! Since returning from my hols I’ve not been working all that much. Which is good cause I’m catching up on my yoga, coffees, the kids, my mates and just general house stuff. But it’s bad cause I’m BROKE! So it’s a double edged sword I guess…. I think I’ll just enjoy it while it lasts….. and whinge about it when I’m desperate! I’m slowly getting back into life after my trip. It was wonderful to be reminded that we have so much more going on in our little worlds than what happens in our own back yards. It makes some things seem insignificant….. but only some. I want so badly for this year to not spend every day leading up to the anniversary of Trenton’s death (23rd July) losing my shit…. (I know it’ll be out of my hands…..) so I’ve found myself trying to get Rubes all riled up for her 12th birthday which is four days beforehand. I suggested that a few people put in for her to have a party even though it’s not a party year,  just so she could have something ace to look forward to….. She’s been having a terrible time at school lately, and has been wanting to leave (in the middle of Grade six…..) and although I know she is a big part of the problems that occur in her friendship groups (her inability to get it right socially being the main issue) I just thought that this would give her the chance to have something cool to offer people. Well…… I had no idea how badly it would backfire. She chose Laser Tag, lunch and then an hour for everyone invited to play all the coin operated games. Firstly her frenemy, (on and off again friend/enemy) who is currently her enemy, had to be told by “ME” to her face that she and Rubes could no longer be mates on account of them always getting into trouble when they are. (They litrally bring out the worst in each other…..) Oh and I reminded her that they seem to be best mates one day,  then the next day this kid will rock up and dump her on her head publicly, then immediately spread some rumour about her that usually isn’t true to the rest of the grade sixes….. and that’s not what friends do! (Yes, a bit of a cow indeed). Well Ruby hand wrote 20 invites to her party, obviously not giving one to this particular child, and within three days the little cow had convinced 16 of the 20 kids to say they couldn’t go. Not only that, a few of them were screwed up and strewn around on the ground….. I seriously could have done something to her that most likely wouldn’t have been legal! She was utterly devastated as you can imagine….. and within a day or two she was refusing to go back to school at all. I tried to get help from the Vice Principal who pretty much said they stay out of birthday party issues…… WTF????!!!! I explained that staying out of parties is totally acceptable, but staying out of bullying behaviour that happens on the school grounds is not…….. still waiting for a response to that one.  So the poor kid just wants to go to a school where no one knows her diagnosis because she is truly judged by it…… and will never shake that label. It’s buggered up all my plans for her for next year, so I’m back doing school tours again. ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, on a positive note, she has been treating me with a teensy weensy tiny bit more respect, and I’m praying that it’ll last a while.  At least longer than a couple of days anyway……


Update: 9.32pm

Soooooo…… a kind of easy day turned into a terribly distressing night. Poppy started getting a “racing heart” at the thought of sleeping alone in her bed tonight…..(she’s been in mine, or ended up in mine for over a week….)  so I thought I prepared her really well with snuggles on the couch, the Shaun the Sheep Movie, her favourite dinner and lots of talking about how we can leave on the bathroom light and she can come in if she’s “really” desperate in the night…… well I think this shot her anxiety through the roof so Rubes jumped in and suggested sleeping on her floor. I was really impressed, but it took an hour of me sitting in there with them both for Pops to let me go once there was music playing, a thousand teddies surrounding her, and I’d let her have a slightly huge meltdown in my arms about how Daddy would let her stay in his bed, and if he was still around she would be nicer to her friends, and I’d be nicer to her and Rubes would be nicer to everyone….. and what did we do wrong that he had to leave us so soon. Faaaaaaark. Then after she started dozing Rubes started jolting around and thinking there were spiders in her bed, and sand in her eyes and would it make its way to her brain because she was pretty sure all day that she was not long for this Earth……. I tell you, this morning I felt like things were going alright….. and tonight I wonder how we will survive this thing? It’s not as if we can just be devastated and then grieve for five years and move on… damnit I wish we could. But we have to fork out money left right and centre that we don’t have, for psychologists we can’t afford, for therapy that doesn’t seem to be helping…… We’ve done grief camp, we go to a support group, we’re on the list for animal therapy, we’ve done art therapy, I have a case worker, many organisations on standby…… WHAT THE FUCK ELSE CAN I DO???????? Okay……… I needed to get that out. I know we’ll get there….. somehow, someday…. it’s just exhausting to think what will need to be done in the interim. It would be awesome to have one full awesome day with positive thoughts and a good start and end. That’s my aim for the next fortnight….. to achieve that small goal. Baby steps. xxxxx

It’s the end of the world as we know it…..

So reality is back!!!  Or rather I’m back in my reality….. either way, here I am…. again! It’s okay…. I am so unbelievably grateful for the wonderful experiences that I’ve just had….. but when you come back to my reality, it’s much less of a slap, and much more of a  whack over the head with a four by two. Such is my life as I have finally realised. When Trent suddenly died, I soon realised that my world would forever be a different place, and that I would never be able to view it through the same eyes I once had. I was right. I adored traipsing around the world again like I once did before kids, and I more often than not had a grin from ear to ear hearing all the accents, and seeing other families and people just living life as one does… but on the other side of the planet! It reminds you just how tiny we are in this giant planet we call home.  But not insignificant.  For the past 12 years since I started my little family, anyone who knows me well would know that “Escape to the Country” has always been one of my favourite shows. The girls and I still play the game that Trent and I thought up one night, where you “guess a room between one and three” and then watch excitedly as the host walks us through these amazing 15th to 18th century homes in the beautiful countryside of England, Wales and Scotland to see if we chose the Master with the incredible ensuite, the kids room or perhaps the study .  (Clearly we were all hoping for the Master!) Since I grew up next door to an English couple I’ve been a tiny bit obsessed with getting to the UK. Some of my favourite shows and comedians are from there, and Ive always found that the Aussie humour is much closer to the English and Irish than any other. The reason I moved to the hills was because of the greenery…. any kind of green is fine by me……and I knew that in the UK there was to be every shade that you could possibly imagine up. It was! It was luscious and divine. The rolling hills,  the quirky and wonky buildings,  the three hundred year old pubs with super cool names that hold more stories within their walls than any old library…… and the colourful locals, (particularly in the small out of the way towns that we tried to stay in) with their hilarious and gorgeous accents that can literally talk shit to you for hours on end and still keep you on the edge of your seat with interest.  They just sometimes seem a little bit  untouched by current society…… like they’ve kept a little bit of the original UK history in their humour and stories, just like their buildings.  I want to save my money and bring my girls back with me to do a road trip with a difference…. devonshire tea-ing it around the country side, intentionally getting lost down single lane roads in the small villages and seeing the ruins of castles and medieval towns that once were…. to me it’s just so different and interesting and beautiful. Of course I’m lucky to have gone at all, leaving behind my 8 and 11 yo girls with family. This was not the trip for them however… this was the “time to accept your husband is dead and you’re life will never be the same again” trip. I’m not sure how I fared with that one actually…… I’m home, it’s over, and I’m far from accepting my hubby is gone. Having two kids that were pining for me at home…. well I’m ever so grateful for them…… but when I saw and heard the love and longing  that one can only receive from a loving partner, and I compare it to hearing the pain and desperation of the girls over the phone who just “needed” me back…..  Well I might sound like an ungrateful cow, but it’s just not the same feeling you get from your partner in crime.  I know it’s an automatic thing for people to think “at least she still has the children……” but perhaps you forget that “she’s also left with the children.” No time to grieve, to fall apart…. to be shattered and weak, to be a human being that has lost their other half. Nope. There is only time to work, taxi them around, set up play dates to keep them happy, cuddle them to sleep, take them to psychologists, play therapists, kinesiologists, counsellors, specialists, pediatricians and whoever-ologists to make damn sure that after what they saw, experienced, lived through and have nightmares about won’t keep fucking them up for the next twenty years of their lives. Once again, not so sure how we’re faring there. We enjoyed a Widow & Widower Support Group catch up yesterday, and it was a fabulous turn out. People came from as far as Sale, and we have such a wonderful camaraderie now that it’s like catching up with old friends every time. Which they will be one day. The kids run off at the pub of choice for the month, and play in the kids play area together….. knowing that all of them there has suffered a terrible tragedy of some sort. They don’t always talk about it, but initially they might suss each other out, asking questions like “who died, your Mum or your Dad? How? When? ” And then they go on playing the pinnies and hanging off the rafters together for the next few hours while us parents vent, and support, and listen to each other about how far we’ve come, or how far we’ve fallen behind since the last meet up. It’s incredibly humbling to share these intimate and horrendously sad stories with each other. I know it has pulled me through the times where I just didn’t really want to keep going.  For that I’ll be forever grateful. After spending the weekend with another family, Poppy started talking about how she just simply misses yelling out “Daddy……. can you get me a drink…” “Daddy, can you read me a book…” and in fact it is devastating that the only time she gets to say that word, is when she is talking about him in the past tense. She howled for him tonight, for hours and hours. It will never be less heart wrenching when I hear one of the girls howling and begging for them to come back. She said she would be happy to just talk to him on the phone……. just one more time. Ouch. The irony is that after having a Dad that was not there for her, when Ruby started calling Trenton Dad on his 30th birthday, it quickly became hers and our favourite word on Earth…. after such a shaky start to life with her biological Father not coping with her, hearing her call out happily “Daddy” was the most divine sound in the world. And the smile it put on Trent’s face to be given such an incredible job to do will never leave my memory bank. Such a tiny word, such an enormous responsibility. And right now as I search in desperation for a Secondary School that will have the ability to nurture our girl through puberty and beyond with such challenging disadvantages to the other children….. well damn I wish he was here to help me decide, and calm my nerves, and support Rubes through one of the toughest transitions she’s ever likely to face. No one will probably ever be able to put my mind at ease as much as he did. We had  a language that didn’t need to be spoken, and a love that didn’t need to be explained. I won’t forget that, even if I never feel that way again. So onward and upward… and all that crap. Tomorrow is a new day, the beginning of a new week, and is happening whether we want it to or not! So I guess I’ll embrace it as always, and surround myself with love and support, so I can surround my kids with love and support. We only get one shot at it you know….. best we make it count. XXX


Reflections from Ireland……

Well here I sit at Dublin airport, waiting to board the flight that will take us halfway home to Dubai to rest for two days before heading home to reality. It has been the most anticipated holiday of my life….. I am aware that I aquired this particular one for all the wrong reasons, but it was a dream of mine since the very beginning none the less. Since the day I heard my first ever Irish person speak, I have wanted to travel to this Country. Of course growing up I decided I’d marry a man with an Irish accent, and live over here in a 15th Century farm house, drinking guinness with the locals on a Friday evening and singing along with a handful of musos for a lazy Sunday arvo jam…… and I loved that when I met Trenton, although he wasn’t the one with the accent, his dream was to drink and jam his way around the Irish country side too! No surprise really…. most of his hopes and ambitions in life were just like mine. I think its part of what makes a great relationship…. wanting for similar things. Heading in the same direction sure does help in keeping a couple together. Just like being on the same page with your parenting….. its no easy feat. The moment I landed in Belfast I knew it was just as I’d always hoped. The different kinds of Irish accents have always made me giggle like a little school girl. The first place we stayed at was the home of “The Gays.” Now I mean no disrespect when I say this (Paula pointed out that I shouldnt call them that) but I feel that seeing as a large section of my friends are gay and lesbian, surely I can use this term of endearment just this once?!!! I was particularly looking forward to staying with this couple as I knew that from the photos and reviews of their place on Air BnB that they would spoil us rotten….. as they did!!!! The room was divine, opening onto a rooftop garden complete with hot tub (that we sadly didnt get time to use!) and our room had a beautiful ensuite complete with fresh crisp linen and even a choccy on the bedside table. Four dogs completed our lovely stay (Mildred the Scottie dog, Chi chi the mama Chihuahua and Calvin and Klein the pups.) It gave me the dog fix I needed. The next morning we headed off for the bus to Dublin. It gave us a couple of hours off from driving and we got to just sit back and enjoy the view….. we picked up our next car at Dublin airport and headed off for West Cork…. we arrived hours after we thought we would as usual… (note to self – small Country does not equal short driving times as small Country has large population and much traffic!!!) We were once again over excited to see the next Air BnB pad we had booked, and we were not let down…. we arrived to our 17th Century Converted Barn in Wormesly in the country (but right near a rugged and beautiful beach), and fell madly in love once again with the incredible architecture, and the beautiful way that the owner had decorated the pad. A friend got us onto Air BnB, which is a site you can join where you get to stay in peoples homes all around the world. It might be their entire home without them in it, or it could be a room in their place whilst they’re home, and sometimes its a self contained bungalow or unit on their property….. but the beauty is you get to stay at a fraction of what you’d pay for a hotel. And its a lot more interesting as you get to experience the area as it really is.  You can be as little or as involved with the owners as you’d like, and you get to stay in places you’d never be able afford in a hotel. We had booked every night for the entire trip through Air BnB so that every night we were experiencing the culture. Im so glad we spent hours choosing and reading reviews…… it was exhausting but it paid off each time we rocked up somewhere new!!! We met up with Joanne, a mate I’d travelled around Australia with back in 2001, and she and I had stayed in contact via facebook ever since. Jo lived locally to Clonakilty, so we decided to stay near Clon in a place with three beds so she could have the three nights off from her kids too….. and still be nearby….. and boy did we have a ball!!!! My sides are sore from laughing….. the best medicine ever. We drove around all day, just visiting castles snd ruins, stopping on the side of the road for scenic shots, and wandering along the beach taking silly photos of each other. She booked us in to a divine day spa for the Sat morning… and after our one hour deep tissue massage, we were able to make use of the spa’s saltwater pool and spas, and look out over the most magnificent beach complete with rolling green hills…. Heaven. The following arvo we heard a live session going on in a pub in skibbereen, and we went in to join in on the festivities. A wedding had occurred the day before, and the guitarist, fiddle, flute, spoons and accordian players were all still drinking (which is the norm after a wedding we were later told) so we sat and watched over a couple of drinks. Most songs involved the whole pub…. and I was even told to be quiet when some drunk was singing a beautiful Irish ballad (even though he couldn’t sing to save his own life….) and I loved that they did stop and listen…. it was so from the heart.  Its so lovely how the embarrassment goes out the window and you’re almost expected to join in!  It was the vision of what I’d hoped Ireland was…. and it didn’t disappoint. The people here are ready to bend over backwards to help you out….. as long as they work out first that you’re Australian not English (the poor English have copped it many times on this trip……) then you’re laughing. Im not sure how I thought I’d feel once I’d finally visited the country I’ve waited my whole life to see…. I guess like everyhting in my life these days, I can predict nothing of what I will feel anymore. There were a million times where I wanted to text or call Trent and share in what I’d just seen.  I don’t know if that urge will ever pass….. but I loved it all so much that I wanted to share it with you. I will come back one day with the kids, I know they’ll find the Irish hilarious, and it’s a culture they’d feel right at home in. The bonus of the old buildings and incredible history will hopefully not be lost on them… and who knows, maybe they’ll travel at 20 or so like I did and work in Ireland or the UK…. It has reminded me that being such an isolated country, we forget sometimes that there is more on Earth than just Australia/New Zealand and the South Pacific/Asia….. I hope I convinced a few people this trip to make the 23 hour journey (with a stopover to break it up of course!!!!) to Australia as the distance should not stop them….. I will treasure these memories forever…. and I wanna thank Paula for coming with me and putting up with my moodiness sometimes, while I find my happiness on the planet again. A very slow and sometimes painful process.  But hopefully one day I will again. xxxx

My First Castle…….

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Medieval Wales
I sit here looking at my very first castle in all its ruined glory….. Thinking of how many hours we spent watching Escape to the Country, both dreaming we’d see it first together….. Hand in hand imagining we were really back in the 15th century. The UK is everything we’d dreamed of and more….. The architecture is magnificent, and even the shops like “Starbucks” have the honour of sitting within 500 year old walls. Paula and I stayed in a 17th century farmhouse last night, on the third floor of an old dairy farm complete with roll top bath and enormous exposed beams….. It was screaming romance, and all I could think of was you. I wanted to snuggle in that tiny bed in your arms talking excitedly like we did when we had a common love for something…… The countryside and beautiful old buildings was our thing…… And I had to try and enjoy it without the reason I got up in the mornings until 23 months ago when you were taken from us all. I have loved this trip in so many ways, with the perfect travel companion and the opportunity already to see some places I’d only dreamed existed…. I am so grateful to all of my family and friends who have helped pull an impossible task together, and I will never regret coming….. But I feel like by coming and doing that one thing we promised each other we’d do in our retirement… It’s like letting you go. And I can’t. Every time I do “another” thing that was meant to be done with you, I feel like another piece of my insides die a slow and painful but quiet death. I can’t talk about you like this anymore….. I have to only say positive and funny memories of you out loud because I would burst into tears every time if I didn’t…… And when I cry for you the noises that come are from the depths of my deepest despair and no one should ever have to witness this. This beautiful, eery, magnificent place is everything we thought it would be, and more…. and I just wish you could enjoy it by my side….. Not in my mind. Miss you babe. Xxxx


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